You have a batch full of them in high school, but after you graduate you only have two :/

It's quite funny, lol.

Living like this FUCKING SUCKS.

I wish my mother wouldn't trap me. Fuck.

I think I express myself better in writing than verbally...

:) What better way is there than being short, sweet, and to the point!

There's a little bit too much to fucking handle.

How does it feel to have a loving mother?

And not one that has bipolar mood swings and you have no idea what she's going to say next. Waking up everyday scared of her because you don't know what she's going to complain about or what she's going to do.
I wonder how it feels to actually call a place home where you feel safe and peaceful. I hope that one day I will be able to feel this. And I know that for fucking sure, when I have a kid, I'm going to make a huge difference in this family.

Just watch me.

I'm kinda freaked out right now because for some reason I'm really missing..

Walking through those familiar hallways, looking at familiar faces, feeling like you belong here. Awaiting your friends at lunch, looking forward to your favorite classes, making new friends, seeing old ones. Knowing you'll see your boyfriend/girlfriend the next day, always feeling so close...together.

Though sometimes drama sucked, people change, the break ups, fighting...

I miss Sunset :( it sucks how far away and distant you feel after you graduate. I feel so out of touch with reality right now, it really sucks.

Eh, life goes on.

Looking at old Live Journal posts from 2005 seriously does not help when you down.

Quietly laying in my room in absolute solitude just staring off into space is all I've really done here in this hell hole. Which I shouldn't really call it a "Hell hole" since my godmother gave me the opportunity to escape the living hell that sadly is my mother. And I now so bravely choose to go back.

While I sit all by myself moving closer to my own insanity, he in the other hand is working hard and hasn't been able to stop since he started. I miss him dearly. And I've been very proud of my self lately because I've learned to become less selfish and mature if that's what you want to call it. I hardly talk to my boyfriend anymore because of his crazy strict hours and in addition to that, his hard projects.

I hold my cell phone very close to me...Just so when I see his picture and feel the vibration, I could immediately pick up and talk to him for those precious five minutes that his schedule permits him to have. I know he is doing great and I am supporting him all the way, I know that his talents will take him somewhere amazing.

...I'm just scared. Scared that I will get used to not having him around. It's hard to keep someone close to you when you can't.

Am I being paranoid? Or is this something that I should worry about? I don't know...I just don't think much of it anymore.

Come to think of it...I don't think much of anything anymore (Doesn't that in some way contradict itself?). Ever since my move here to Ft. Myers, I feel a change of person within me...And it's bad. I've been really down lately and really spacey...And maybe a little anti-social- Wait? Did I just say that? "Anti-Social" Me? Wow, I really didn't think that would ever happen to me, lol. Well to cut everything short and make this easier to explain, I just don't know what the fuck to do. There. Plain and simple.


(five minute pause) Okay well, didn't know what else to write after that.

I'll just write what's on my head now.

I love Robert Quintana and I appreciate all my friends that still care about me

I apologize to anyone who has been trying to reach me. Lately I haven't been talking to anybody. Just a few minutes with Robert every day and that's it. I don't mean to sound "Emo" it's just the way I feel now and I'm sure it's something that will go away.

Well if you managed to read this whole post :) Thank you.

Well as always I write once then wait a couple of weeks later to write again, but I think it's about time I vent a little before I explode.

As we all know I moved away from Miami to live in this hick town, away from my own mother. To then start this community college and not even connect with one individual. Oh how nice it is to go to a college you like! Wish I knew the feeling.

I have a job now that I guess all the white trash drunks go to and give this damn attitude problem, I think I'm starting to hate my own race. Hmmm...? Is that good or bad? Well if you lived here you'd understand.

Now here is this love issue. Why is there always a fucking love issue?
I've been in a long distance relationship before, but he was more of a boy toy to me than anything else (Harsh? Not really. He wasn't the only one.)

But now I seem to be engulfed by this feeling, this strong feeling that I have to admit is new to me. Am I really in love with this boy? At first when I experienced this so called "Love", I thought it was only about lust. But with this boy it's so much more than that- (Even though the lust part is pretty good...Thought I should add that.) I actually truly care for this well known goofball and I'm glad to admit that I'm his pride and joy. But sometimes it's really hard.

Having him far from me hurts more than I expected- Excuse me, I'm lying. I knew it was going to hurt this bad. I understand we're separated because we need to start our own lives as individuals. And let me emphasize AS INDIVIDUALS. Meaning alone and for your self. Not depending on anybody- Okay moving on.

It's the whole process in general. Questions arise such as; "What will happen to us?" and "Will we make it?" Usually my answers to those questions are yes. But having this particular individual as the love of your life makes it hard to answer those questions.

I understand it's the beginning of a lot of things, but is it also the beginning of the end of us?

I can't stand the immaturity of late night video game playing- every night. The immaturity of having the same person around you, sleeping with you, waking up with you, etc- every single day.

"Now if a friendship is that important to you to be "Too busy" to talk, then why even bother."

And I thought Sponge bob and Patrick were bad. Boy was I wrong.

I just wish I can feel important again.

He says he talks about me all the time, but he hardly talks to me anymore. What is up with that?

Well all I could do now is work, school, sleep, eat, and have my fingers crossed each and everyday hoping this relationship will last. I'm willing to keep it, if he tries to.

~Call me old fashioned but I want to get married and be happy - with him.







Maybe my dream will come true - someday.

Do you know the pain I go through?

Do you know how much I cry?

Do you have any idea?

Well do you?

....Does anybody?

Why are you so oblivious to my feelings? Please stop hurting me. Stop making others believe I have the fault....Why do you keep hurting me?

Can you even help me anymore?...Your so oblivious. I'm right here in front of you, torn a part and yet...Your mad at me again.

I guess....You can't help me anymore...

...Because you don't care.

Yeah I'm deprived of sleep. I'm here in 6th period with Marc and Ray. And Ray is being a pengis with his iPod and talking about Putas all over us. He's over looking my computer cause he's so concerned of what I'm typing. So yeah, I'm here next Marc :) And we're laughing at my stupidity...I mean seriously...I just spelled stupidty like that. Wow. So yeah, I'm planning on staying for the Web design club and just hanging out doing nothing >_> ( AND JACKIE WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU) So yeah...I'm like SUPA tired and Ray is being a huge pengas :D So Jackie why arent you PICKING UP THE GoD DAMN PHONE. Imma put RaY's pEnGiS in his butt :) Ok well this class IS AWESOME :D And I love Robert with all my heart ^^ so..yeah

Love ya Robert.

Well me and my friend were bored, enjoy.

Zenosca8 (6:00:49 PM): oi manolo
Zenosca8 (6:00:51 PM): soy yo
Zenosca8 (6:00:59 PM): "yo quien"
Zenosca8 (6:01:00 PM): to ano el culo tuyo
GoldenPan67 (6:00:57 PM): cavesa de jeuvo!
GoldenPan67 (6:01:08 PM): lmao!!
Zenosca8 (6:01:33 PM): LA PEPA DE TU MAMA!!!!!
GoldenPan67 (6:02:13 PM): TU MEDRA Y TU PADRE MI CAGO EN LA CAVESA TE TU ABUELA!
GoldenPan67 (6:02:23 PM): MARICON!
GoldenPan67 (6:02:27 PM): *madre
Zenosca8 (6:02:34 PM): rofl
GoldenPan67 (6:02:35 PM): Lmao
Zenosca8 (6:03:49 PM): ugh im eh-bored
Zenosca8 (6:03:54 PM): cochina mierda
GoldenPan67 (6:03:52 PM): dont be
Zenosca8 (6:04:08 PM): tu abuela se pareca a mierda
Zenosca8 (6:04:15 PM): hey why did your grandma pick you up?
GoldenPan67 (6:04:20 PM): LMAO
GoldenPan67 (6:04:28 PM): I dont know
GoldenPan67 (6:04:35 PM): She didnt even recognize you
GoldenPan67 (6:04:37 PM): So w/e
GoldenPan67 (6:04:42 PM): She sometimes does that
Zenosca8 (6:04:50 PM): did you ask her about me?
GoldenPan67 (6:04:45 PM): HA HA
GoldenPan67 (6:04:48 PM): She looks like SHIT
GoldenPan67 (6:04:49 PM): LMAO
Zenosca8 (6:04:59 PM): XDDDD
Zenosca8 (6:06:08 PM): cabrona!!!!
Zenosca8 (6:06:10 PM): puta
GoldenPan67 (6:06:15 PM): TU MADREA
Zenosca8 (6:06:23 PM): cachimbaso
GoldenPan67 (6:06:18 PM): COJONES!
GoldenPan67 (6:06:31 PM): oye chico
Zenosca8 (6:06:45 PM): tataquito
Zenosca8 (6:06:45 PM): mierda
Zenosca8 (6:06:45 PM): mal parido
GoldenPan67 (6:06:55 PM): ME CAGO EN TUS PANTALONES Y EN TU BOKA DE TU MADRE!!!!
Zenosca8 (6:08:10 PM): CONYO MIRA IMBECIL TU TIENE UN ANO QUE PARECE A GEORGE BUSH MAL PARIDO IMBECIL HIJO DE PUTA
GoldenPan67 (6:09:09 PM): OMG
GoldenPan67 (6:09:18 PM): I dropped the keyboard
GoldenPan67 (6:09:20 PM): LMAO
GoldenPan67 (6:09:20 PM): LMAO
GoldenPan67 (6:09:25 PM): Omg
Zenosca8 (6:09:31 PM): ROFLMAO!!!!
GoldenPan67 (6:09:30 PM): THAT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY
Zenosca8 (6:09:51 PM): I got a better one
GoldenPan67 (6:10:00 PM): OK
Zenosca8 (6:10:10 PM): TU TIENO UN REY DE PINGUINOS EN TO ANO MAL PARIDO!
Zenosca8 (6:11:13 PM): MARICON QUE ESTA BANIANDOSE EN MI CACA IMBECILE!!!!
GoldenPan67 (6:11:18 PM): LMAI
O
Zenosca8 (6:11:26 PM): EL CACA DE TU ANO CONIO!
GoldenPan67 (6:11:21 PM): OMG I CANT BREATH
Zenosca8 (6:11:43 PM): bet your friends are like wtf >.>
GoldenPan67 (6:11:40 PM): no
GoldenPan67 (6:11:48 PM): they are you not even looking
Zenosca8 (6:12:05 PM): that sucks lol
Zenosca8 (6:12:08 PM): get out of there XD
Zenosca8 (6:12:21 PM): btw a new tourettes guy video XD
GoldenPan67 (6:12:19 PM): no
GoldenPan67 (6:12:21 PM): NO
GoldenPan67 (6:12:22 PM): WHERE
Zenosca8 (6:12:32 PM): on the site
GoldenPan67 (6:12:26 PM): LINK
Zenosca8 (6:12:44 PM): kernal cluster fuckGoldenPan67 (6:13:18 PM): k wait
GoldenPan67 (6:16:34 PM): wow that was FUCKING FUNNY
Zenosca8 (6:17:15 PM): XD
GoldenPan67 (6:18:16 PM): wow
Zenosca8 (6:20:31 PM): what about rick moranis XD
GoldenPan67 (6:21:43 PM): LMAO
Zenosca8 (6:23:43 PM): FUCK RICK MORANIS TOO!!!!!!!
GoldenPan67 (6:23:47 PM): lmao
GoldenPan67 (6:23:58 PM): Which is the one he was going to eat twizzlers
Zenosca8 (6:25:28 PM): dont remember
GoldenPan67 (6:25:39 PM): aww okay'
GoldenPan67 (6:27:04 PM): I found it
Zenosca8 (6:27:37 PM): which one is it?
GoldenPan67 (6:29:49 PM): shit like a horse
Zenosca8 (6:30:06 PM): lol
GoldenPan67 (6:30:38 PM): its funny as fuck\
GoldenPan67 (6:31:04 PM): ._.
Zenosca8 (6:31:49 PM): hey boochu imma go ok IF you can cangrejo puto, can you send me your treasures of aht urghan code from your booklet?
GoldenPan67 (6:31:54 PM): o.o
GoldenPan67 (6:32:06 PM): i'm not home
GoldenPan67 (6:32:10 PM): but later maybe
Zenosca8 (6:32:21 PM): yeah I know later
GoldenPan67 (6:32:18 PM): CAGO EN TU MADRE MILL DE BESES!
GoldenPan67 (6:32:39 PM): Tu eres una puta sucia
Zenosca8 (6:32:54 PM): ASI NO ME HABLA CABRON!!!
GoldenPan67 (6:33:04 PM): CEBESA DE JEUVO
Zenosca8 (6:33:46 PM): ME CAGO IN TU MADRE ME CAGO IN TI ME CAGO IN TODO DE TU FAMILY PORQUE ELLOS NO TIENEN ANO MALDACION PENDEJO!!!
GoldenPan67 (6:34:38 PM): cabesa de jeuvo
GoldenPan67 (6:34:45 PM): MEDECON
Zenosca8 (6:35:06 PM): ESO PARECE TU ESO PARECE TU UN CULO PELUDO
GoldenPan67 (6:35:09 PM): MALTITA SEA LA HORA QUE TU PUTE DE MADRE SE CAGA EN LA BOCA DE TU PADRE
Zenosca8 (6:35:38 PM): CONio!!!!!!!!!!!
Zenosca8 (6:35:40 PM): O.o
Zenosca8 (6:36:51 PM): ok well im gone boochu
Zenosca8 (6:36:53 PM): love you ok
GoldenPan67 (6:37:14 PM): FINE
GoldenPan67 (6:37:17 PM): puta medra
GoldenPan67 (6:37:20 PM): *madre
Zenosca8 (6:37:34 PM): cabesa de ano
Zenosca8 signed off at 6:37:33 PM.
Zenosca8 is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in.
GoldenPan67 (6:39:18 PM): oye CABRON! TU TIENES UN CABESA DE ANO CON MIERDA EN TU CARA! OYE! CABESION! ERES MARICON! CHUPA LA PEPA DE TU MAMA Y PAPA! CoNOOOOOOOOO! ME CAGO EN TU ANO! nyo!

Now since time progressed will things change? Maybe they will? For better or for worse? I'm still confused myself and I don't know where I stand. Things are diffrent now from they were before, do I still stand in the same place? Sudden fear runs through me and I don't know what to do. Do I hold on or do I just let go of you. I've been hiding some feelings so you'd still be close to me like when we first started out. But it seems to me that I became your following shadow. Please tell me I'm not. I want to be there for you, please don't ignore me. I want to be the warmth you seek when you feel cold. But is my warmth necessary? Please tell me it is. I sometimes think it's not. You are my everything, but will you be there when I need you the most? Please tell me that you will. Because I need you. I want us to stay strong. Please tell me that we will. I won't leave your side because I love you. Now I wonder, will you go out of your way and do things to make me happy? Just like I try to do? Is that even important to you? Tell me. Please talk to me. All I want to know is that you love me! Just as much as I love you! I want to hear it, please whisper it to me! Or say it outloud so other people know. I
want to know how much I mean to you. But thanks for being who you are. I just don't want to be alone, okay?

(Don't know if you should really pay attention to that, just wanted to write it.)

At first I didnt understand why people wore masks and hide from everybody. But today it seemed to me that I had to wear one myself. What happened yesterday was unnecessary and plain stupid. I'm actaully speechless, I don't even want to think about it. I have to admit that today my friends cheered me up and my smiles werent fake to those people who I consider close to me. (Oh and Nicole's little note kicked ASS! I loved it :3 It cheered me up so much!) And Ray, Lol. I loved our little conversation in 5th period. That cheered me up too ^-^! God but, it hurts. I won't lie. I hate being in my room alone (Damn I don't want to sound emo, I really don't!) Ofcourse nobody isnt going to stop going out just because I can't, but knowing that other people are having fun just makes me wonder "Why am I not there with them?" But I feel so selfish when I think like that and I try so hard not to. But, I think it's unfair, am I really just a bad person? I don't understand. Do I really deserve this? I also feel terrible for acting the way I did in the car yesterday, I didnt want to change the mood. I didnt want Ray to feel sad or anything or Trooper. I'd like to have everyone happy :). Oh and I just want to say that I'm sorry to Trooper because I honestly think I fucked up and I could be with him right now if I had just kept my mouth shut. I'm sorry Troopy, we'll go out soon ^^ I promise! We'll have alot of fun ^^. I can't wait to have a group outing either :3 Talk about pain reliever! I guess I'll leave it at that.

I love you guys ^^ Everyone who gave me hugs today and talked to me :3! AWSOME!

(KARINA! It isnt your fault! I <3 you!)
(Ray you BUTT! Your an awsome friend! Don't think otherwise! Your awsome!!!)
(Jorge! You give the best hugs o.o and your so loveable! Your the shit o.o)
(Lidia...I love you...Because...Your hugs make everything feel better o.o...)
(Last but not least! MY LOVE! My only love that is, Trooper! I couldnt ask for anyone better! Nor could I find any one better than you. Thank you for being the best boyfriend in the world and I wanted you to know that I love you with all my heart! And I mean it! This isnt some kind of chonga love :3 TIS FOR REAL BITCH! Tis Chibi love ;3! Forever your MuMu!)

'Till next time :3

Chibi

Well I'm in computer class and Ray keeps on pestering me about LJ and how I don't write in it. I don't write as well as all the others on here (*cough* Elias, Jorge, and Ray*cough*) But who do I have to impress :3? Anywho, Last weekend was the SHI-AT! o.o Going to Trooper's house on Friday o.o Then the ULTIMATE party on Saturday which involved a massive cake fight and some dancing in the dark :3 It was coooool I had alot of fun. I'm actually getting back to DDR :P I'm going to practice now and get better! So watch out! Chibi's coming :3 Well anyway...(I'm so corny) Did I mention lately that I love Trooper! Just wanted to throw that in there since I might not show that much affection in person :3 But he is my everything ^-^! I hope he knows that :(! So when you see him just tell him that out of random :3! Just to let you know I might change subjects alot because I'm so random...MY HEAD HURTS!~ I might go to Orlando this weekend and spend some time with Mickey YAY!....Well I declare Jorgy and Ray my best friends because I feel like I can trust them :D! And...and..and...Now my mind went blank...You know, I really don't feel like thinking now so ^^ Until my next entry...

BAI!

Chibi~

Lol, I can't believe I made one of these LJ things....again. My friends kept on bothering me and here I am...typing. Now I have no idea what to say...Well! I'll just start off with what I'm thinking :3! I'm actually happy now that I've made new friends ^-^ Like Ray, Jorgy, Nicole, Elias, and all these other crazy people! And I officially announcing that both Ray and Jorge are my big brothers!! YAY!(I have so much love for you two "foos"!)Umm.. Ummm..Gawd, my last LJ was really emo so I plan on making this one happy :3! ( Ray says that this looks like a pair of balls ---> :3 ) o.O...Oh I also want to say that I love my boyfriend so much :3 He's my everything ^^ AH! I'm so random, lol. I was so tired today in school -.- I felt bad! But I feel much better now because the ride home with Jorgy, Trooper, and Ray was awsome! Well I guess that's it! Well until next time guys :3 See ya!

- Chibi